From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I made a decision to breastfeed my child and (hell yeah!) I was very optimistic about it! When Ayne was born, everyone was telling me to breastfeed him. I tried but I failed, it just didn't worked for us. And for years I struggled with feelings of sadness and failure. I longed for that mother-son bond from breastfeeding (which I thought we didn't have for a couple of years because I have to work when he was just 2 months old) and I promised myself that if I had another baby, I would try to breastfeed again. And so, this is it. I delivered our little Kyle via C -Section. After 2 days I was able to gather myself all together to visit him in the nursery room and it was the very first day I have seen his beautiful face. I wasn't able to breastfeed him there since he was deeply asleep. No matter how much I nudge him he just wouldn't open his eyes (also because he had a mild case of jaundice)! So I just held on to him tight and imagined the day when I could breastfeed him. My thoughts are centered on breastfeeding like it's an obsession! LOL

Little Kyler had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days because of an infection and a mild case of jaundice. While at home, I've been going through the worst days of my life. My breasts are engorged literally turned into a rock, hard and painful! I can't even sleep on my back because it's suffocating me and makes me palpitate like crazy. Even though I was not allowed to read, to watch TV, or to use the computer or anything that would tire my eyes (nakaka binat daw kasi), I secretly researched the internet on how to relieve my condition. (I wished Mom was with me, it would have been much easier!) Well, cold compress did the trick!  Thank you Mr. Google, what would have I done without you! :'3

When baby was home everyone were elated and I was too excited to feed him. FINALLY! I thought everything would be easy and breastfeeding would go naturally, but God I was wrong! :'/
He was able to latch on my breast, I though that was it, I have succeeded with breastfeeding but then why is it bloody painful?? I never really knew how it should feel because I wasn't able to breastfeed Ayne but I just knew something was not right. At first the pain was bearable, yeah I can live with it as long as baby is happy. But as days went by, I became very sore and I just could no longer take the pain. I knew breastfeeding shouldn't hurt at all. I have to stop breastfeeding for a couple of days and temporarily pumped and hand expressed my milk. I wanted to do the cup feeding like what they did with him on the hospital but I still ended up with putting my milk in the bottle.

After a couple of days I was ready to take on breastfeeding again, but this time baby's unable to latch and he would fuss on my breast. :'/ I was TERRIFIED, I guess he got nipple confusion and  that we may not be able to go back to breastfeeding. I kept my composure and never gave up. There were many tears but I was so adamant that we would succeed. Again, I ran to Mr. Google's for help. I felt the strong need to educate myself for breastfeeding to work out for us. It is something I longed to do for my child and I won't give up on it that easily. How I wished I had a support group to backup on me during tough times but I found great insights at,, La Leche League International and other mommy blogs out there. Then one day I woke up with a fever, my temperature soared to 49.3 but it didn't stopped me. We called little Kyler's pedia and she told us that it's still okay to breastfeed. Thank God it only lasted for a day, I just kept on drinking gallons for water. :) But eventually I got exhausted emotionally and physically, no matter how I deny it in my mind I was in the verge of giving up . The idea of giving him formula is creeping into my brain like a disease. I sat beside baby and cried myself out. I let myself grieve for the failure I felt inside, I wanted so much to give my child the best but why is it so damn hard. Peterson saw me crying and knows me too well that even though I don't tell him anything, he knows exactly what and how to solve my problem. When it was feeding time again, he offered to assist me and held baby's head for support. For the very first time in two weeks (that felt like ages), baby latched on comfortably and there was not a single pain at all! ELATED. RELIEVED. THANKFUL. From that time on, everything went well for baby and me. I'm just thankful hubby gave me a hand. I'm exclusively breastfeeding baby for two months now and we couldn't be any happier! :) Sure there are still tough times but it I know we'll go through it.

What helped me overcome our breastfeeding dilemma was my determination and my commitment to breastfeed my little one. Giving up was not an option.