Well, apparently I'm back! I cannot remember how many times I've blogged about being back. I need to think of another comeback intro, don't you think?This only shows how inconsistent I am with blogging. I hate to admit that, but I guess I have to acknowledge it so I could correct it. I always wanted to be a better blogger, and I know I have mentioned that several times before but did I become better? I guess not. Well, maybe not yet but I know I will be.

You know, I haven't been well. It's been 9 months since mama passed away and it felt like she took a huge chunk of my heart with her. I feel incomplete. If not for Peterson and my kids, I would lose myself completely. Miraculously, I've been feeling better this month. I haven't cried that ugly cry for several weeks but I'm starting to feel the pain creeping back and I'm scared to death to let that feeling of emptiness back in. 8 days from now will be Mama's 56th birthday and I don't even know how to celebrate it without her. How ironic it would be to celebrate someone's birthday when they already passed away. Of course, you can’t just forget someone’s birthday. Especially someone that meant, and still means, so much to you. But how do you celebrate?

I asked my sister casually if she's going to work on the 28th, which is a Monday, luckily it's a holiday so we're going to celebrate it all together with Dad and the kids. I haven't even asked her if she has planned anything. Honestly, as the Mom's birthday is getting closer, I am getting more sensitive and more anxious. I know my heart won't be too well and I'm afraid I might break down on that day. We, Dad and Joan, haven't really openly talked about our feelings on Mom's passing. I've been holding myself together every time one of us would mention Mama. But I'm so afraid that I might not hold it any longer on Mama's day, or any of us for that matter. I feel just feel anxious and unseasy.

I am still learning to cope with this pain, with this absence. This may be the hardest birthday we're going to celebrate.