mommy finally..Ü

Something extraordinary happened to me lately. Someone may find this absurd but then i don't care. Well, for the first time in my life i felt that I'm really a MOTHER. I'm not saying that for a year and a half of having yen.yen in my life I haven't felt like one. What I'm trying to say is that it all sank in, finally. I am now a mother and by that, it means that someone needs me, someone needs my care, my undying love, my unwavering protection, my guidance. Someone depends on me to put it simply. This realization all happened last Monday. That day was already planned, I was suppose to meet my college friends. And I assured them that i will bring yenyen along. But then when yenyen woke up that day, he was burning with fever. I thought it was just a simple fever and he would just cool down eventually when I'd gave him some meds. I was still expecting that I could bring him with me later in the afternoon, excited lage kaU ko mu lakaw sabay siya. But then yenyen was not feeling very well, for the first time was so "maña" or "langi". He always wanted me to carry him around. I then called the meeting off and decided to stay home. Late that afternoon we went home to Dumoy so the rest of us could rest specially baby. I tuck him to bed around 4PM, his fever was bothering me. He feels really hot and when i checked his temperature it was 39. A few minutes I checked it again and it was already 41! I began to panicked! I was so worried, looking at him was pain to me. He was shivering, I know he's feeling really cold by then. This is the first I've seen him like this. And when I woke him up cause we decided to bring him to a nearest hospital, he was really crying hard. I felt something that bothered me so much, and it's fear. I was carrying him and he tightly wrapped his arms around my neck. He kept on crying and looked at me. He was like saying "help me mommy, i feel so cold. Do something" Hubby and I rushed quickly to a nearest hospital. Ulan pa gyud! I know we felt the same thing, fear. It was the first time I was able to feel these things all at the same time. I just grab some of yenyen's things and we rushed for the taxi. We didn't even cared what clothes we're on, or what we look like. What's important is that we have to find a doctor to look at yenyen. When we arrived at the hospital dagko kau mig singot!I was then thinking to call mom and tell him what's happening. My thoughts are toying with me, so many what if's. I really felt the extreme pain of loosing him. Well, that may be too O.A. cause all he had was a fever, but that's what i really felt. That night, we went back to Mintal (my parents' place), we stayed there overnight and also went to a hilot. You know what, I can't even write what exactly i want to say. But all is well now, thankfully. He's now okay. Now, i feel so attached with yen-yen and i can see that he is too with me (finally). He's always been maka papa which made me feel like I'm not a good mother enough for him. But now, everything's changed. I'm now a mother and no matter what I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to my child, ever. And I love him to death I can't even imagine myself having another child, cause all i want is having yenyen and give him all the love and the protection he needs until he grows up.